Pendraken Miniatures Forum

Non-Wargaming Discussion => Fun Stuff => Topic started by: Orcs on 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM



Title: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM
Sunjester sent me some jokes, but out of the 13 jokes these are all I can post here.

The others were much better, but so un PC even I am censoring them.  :D

Due to a water shortage Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screwfix Direct Thanking me for my interest , but explaining they were not a dating agency.  ( For non-UK readers Screw Fix is a hardware supplier)

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50 a minute (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentines day for me and the wife (yes FK I know it should be my wife and I). Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker

If you get an email telling you you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it - Its Spam.
 


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 21 October 2019, 12:09:57 PM
No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 21 October 2019, 12:23:35 PM
Nice ones, Mark.

I'll have to admit I had to think about one of them for a few seconds !  :-[

Cheers - Phil :)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 21 October 2019, 12:32:17 PM
Get out


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mmcv on 21 October 2019, 06:17:51 PM
No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.

If would only be "my wife and I" if it was at the start of the statement, "me" is the correct usage here as far as I'm aware. Way I always remember it is if you take the other person out of the statement does it still make sense?

So just as you wouldn't say "me just booked a table" and " just booked a table for I" thus you shouldn't say "me and the wife booked a table" or "booked a table for the wife and I". Or so the grammar police say.

Me/myself are fairly interchangeable.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mad lemmey on 21 October 2019, 08:02:32 PM
Man walks into a pub with a screwdriver over his held "This is not a drill."


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mad lemmey on 21 October 2019, 08:03:42 PM
When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mollinary on 21 October 2019, 09:34:01 PM
When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!

Who’s been watching “Only Connect” then?  ;) ;)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mad lemmey on 22 October 2019, 06:59:26 AM
Me


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 22 October 2019, 07:46:09 AM
Who’s been watching “Only Connect” then?  ;) ;)

There are a couple of reasons to watch "Only Connect", I wonder what they are ?  :d

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSxK9wfF-4gDsvsYhYjFpf0423FpR06zk7KgfD5SBv95Xli9U-rAA)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 22 October 2019, 11:49:47 AM
She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   >:(


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 09 November 2019, 12:42:24 AM
She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   >:(

Just because you want to play with her puppies!!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 09 November 2019, 08:49:01 AM
 :-[


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 27 May 2020, 08:16:22 AM
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when they're pulled over.
The police officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they're going.
Heisenberg replies "We do not, but we do know exactly where we are!"

The cop thinks "Ah, a smart-arse" and decides to search the vehicle.
He opens the boot and asks "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?"
Schrodinger says, "Well, now we do . . ."


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 27 May 2020, 10:23:40 AM
I like that one. :)

Cheers - Phil


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 27 May 2020, 12:13:41 PM
Tad intellectual for you Phil ?  ;)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 27 May 2020, 12:27:47 PM
I know what a cat is...thank you very much.  ;)

Now....I'm listening to some Janet and John stories...and it's getting to an exciting bit....So leave me alone.

Cheers - Phil


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 27 May 2020, 12:48:57 PM
So leave me alone.

NO ;)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 27 May 2020, 02:33:46 PM
Bog off.....

I've got to the really, really exciting bit.....Spot's chasing a ball. :o :o :o :o

Cheers - Phil ;)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 27 May 2020, 03:40:27 PM
Doesn't that page employ that thrilling metasyntactic repetition, the rhythm of the line mimicking the accelerated heartbeat of the focalising implied canine gaze? How did it go...? Ah, yes, "Run, Spot, run!"


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 28 May 2020, 03:19:53 PM
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do at night? He lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.

An amnesiac walks into a bar. “Do I come here often?”


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 28 May 2020, 04:21:37 PM
There IS a dog.....He's a youngster called Seamus...And he's just ripped one of the veins in my arm to b*ggery......He didn't mean it....The oik.

Blood, spurt, murder. X_X

At least I didn't do it to myself....... for once. =) =) =)

Cheers - Phil


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 28 May 2020, 04:26:34 PM
That's not funny Techno.




Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 28 May 2020, 05:50:12 PM
A and E Now phil.... :'( :'(


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 28 May 2020, 06:33:36 PM
No...A lot of kitchen towel..(now red)..and a nice really big plaster seems to have done the trick.....At least my blood clots quickly...Probably 'cos it's had so much practice.

I wouldn't want to go anywhere near ANY hospital at this time. X_X

Cheers - Phil





Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 28 May 2020, 06:40:43 PM
Tetanus !!!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: O Dinas Powys on 29 May 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Tetanus !!!

Yeah!

Now’s the perfect time to go to A&E - I was in and out in less than an hour when I burnt my hand last month - it was virtually empty!

Seriously, don’t not go just because of the virus: they’ll be keeping the Covid and non-Covid streams totally isolated from each other AND being super careful, constantly deep-cleaning, etc!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ronan on 29 May 2020, 03:10:35 PM
Seriously, don’t not go just because of the virus: they’ll be keeping the Covid and non-Covid streams totally isolated from each other AND being super careful, constantly deep-cleaning, etc!

I agree
I had to go for some medical exams, and it was  OK here in France : they were very cautious. It will be the same for you

And Tetanus is a very, VERY bad thing !  ( a friend of mine saw someone dying because of this.. )


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 29 May 2020, 03:16:10 PM
I'm up to date on Tetanus jabs.  :D :-bd

(Probably practically immune, thanks to the amount of dirt that's got into my bloodstream over the years.)

Cheers - Phil


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 29 May 2020, 03:34:50 PM
It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw  :d


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 03:57:26 PM
I rather like Welsh accents, look you.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 29 May 2020, 04:05:55 PM
It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw  :d

Slight problem - He uses his fingers to talk on here


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 29 May 2020, 04:45:44 PM
I got a big 'ammer  :P


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 05:20:43 PM
Just lend it to him.  ;D


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: OldenBUA on 29 May 2020, 06:22:05 PM
Just lend it to him.  ;D

I'm afraid that will just force Leon to introduce a new range of 'flats'.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ianrs54 on 01 June 2020, 02:58:31 PM
Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station.  :D


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: O Dinas Powys on 01 June 2020, 05:58:49 PM
Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station.  :D

Also from R4 - modified from More or Less - one for the statistically minded amongst us:

When examining a data set you don’t just have to consider what it means…



Its modes and medians are also important  :-B


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 01 June 2020, 07:20:06 PM
Well played sir, well played!

I'm putting that in my very small portfolio of quotes about statistics. 


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 07 June 2020, 01:40:08 PM
An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel and it goes dark. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks ‘I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him’

The young woman thinks ‘I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again’

****

A woman walked into the dentist very nervously and said, “I’m scared. I’d rather have a baby than have my teeth checked.”
“Fine with me,” said the dentist, “But I’ll have to adjust the chair.”


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 07 June 2020, 01:56:15 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ronan on 07 June 2020, 02:13:19 PM
 ;D


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 07 June 2020, 02:22:10 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Cheers - Phil


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 07 June 2020, 03:00:54 PM
King Auric the Golden not only had a very rich kingdom and an incredibly beautiful daughter but also had a problem with a dragon which plundered parts of the kingdom from time to time.

Realising that he was dying and keen to secure the future of daughter and kingdom both he announced that whomsoever could slay the dragon would be named his heir and marry the princess. What the princess thought of this is not recorded.

Would-be heirs and husbands gathered aplenty and each announced themselves to the crowd before entering the dragons lair ....

An incredibly stylish young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the troubadour Rolande de Provence and I do this for love!" He entered the lair but within moments the dragon had swallowed him in a single bite.

Next an incredibly pious young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the Paladin Manuel of Aragon and I do this for my god!" He entered the lair but in only a few more moments than it had taken with the troubadour the dragon had also swallowed him in a single bite.

Following the paladin an incredibly handsome young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the hero Gottfried of Hamburg and I do this for glory!" He entered the lair but like the others before him the dragon gobbled him up in a single bite.

Next up was a red-haired young man in a kilt,"A'm Gregor MacGregor o' the clan MacGregor an' ahm dain' this cuz ahm skint and need the money" Striding towards the lair, claymore and targe in hand he started to shuck off his shirt. For the next hour or more the sound of battle resounds from the beasts lair, then, all goes quiet. Then. Chop! Chop! Chop!! And the sounds of something heavy being dragged.

Gregor emerges from the cave, dragging the dragon's enormous head behind him, shoogling his shirt back into place.

Amazed, Auric stammers out a "well done" before demanding,"Why on earth didn't the thing swallow you whole like the others?

"Ah!," says canny Gregor,"A had this tattooed oan ma chest."

He pulls his shirt back off once more to reveal the words,"Glasgow Rangers Best Football Team in the World!"

"No even a dragon wid swallae that!!"



Pass me my coat once you've finished chewing it fsn :)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 07 June 2020, 03:04:54 PM
Coming from a long line of Celtic fans, I think the story is eminently believable.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 07 June 2020, 03:31:49 PM
Gimme strength..... But it made me laugh.  ;D ;D

Cheers - Phil


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mad lemmey on 07 June 2020, 05:09:38 PM
Top laugh!  ;D


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 07 June 2020, 07:55:17 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D