Pendraken Miniatures Forum

Non-Wargaming Discussion => Fun Stuff => Topic started by: Orcs on 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM

Title: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM
Sunjester sent me some jokes, but out of the 13 jokes these are all I can post here.

The others were much better, but so un PC even I am censoring them.  :D

Due to a water shortage Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screwfix Direct Thanking me for my interest , but explaining they were not a dating agency.  ( For non-UK readers Screw Fix is a hardware supplier)

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50 a minute (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentines day for me and the wife (yes FK I know it should be my wife and I). Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker

If you get an email telling you you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it - Its Spam.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 21 October 2019, 12:09:57 PM
No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 21 October 2019, 12:23:35 PM
Nice ones, Mark.

I'll have to admit I had to think about one of them for a few seconds !  :-[

Cheers - Phil :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 21 October 2019, 12:32:17 PM
Get out
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mmcv on 21 October 2019, 06:17:51 PM
Quote from: FierceKitty on 21 October 2019, 12:09:57 PM
No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.

If would only be "my wife and I" if it was at the start of the statement, "me" is the correct usage here as far as I'm aware. Way I always remember it is if you take the other person out of the statement does it still make sense?

So just as you wouldn't say "me just booked a table" and " just booked a table for I" thus you shouldn't say "me and the wife booked a table" or "booked a table for the wife and I". Or so the grammar police say.

Me/myself are fairly interchangeable.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 21 October 2019, 08:02:32 PM
Man walks into a pub with a screwdriver over his held "This is not a drill."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 21 October 2019, 08:03:42 PM
When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mollinary on 21 October 2019, 09:34:01 PM
Quote from: mad lemmey on 21 October 2019, 08:03:42 PM
When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!

Who's been watching "Only Connect" then?  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 22 October 2019, 06:59:26 AM
Me
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 22 October 2019, 07:46:09 AM
Quote from: mollinary on 21 October 2019, 09:34:01 PM
Who's been watching "Only Connect" then?  ;) ;)

There are a couple of reasons to watch "Only Connect", I wonder what they are ?  :d

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSxK9wfF-4gDsvsYhYjFpf0423FpR06zk7KgfD5SBv95Xli9U-rAA)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 22 October 2019, 11:49:47 AM
She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   >:(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 09 November 2019, 12:42:24 AM
Quote from: fsn on 22 October 2019, 11:49:47 AM
She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   >:(

Just because you want to play with her puppies!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 09 November 2019, 08:49:01 AM
 :-[
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 27 May 2020, 08:16:22 AM
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when they're pulled over.
The police officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they're going.
Heisenberg replies "We do not, but we do know exactly where we are!"

The cop thinks "Ah, a smart-arse" and decides to search the vehicle.
He opens the boot and asks "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?"
Schrodinger says, "Well, now we do . . ."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 27 May 2020, 10:23:40 AM
I like that one. :)

Cheers - Phil
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 27 May 2020, 12:13:41 PM
Tad intellectual for you Phil ?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 27 May 2020, 12:27:47 PM
I know what a cat is...thank you very much.  ;)

Now....I'm listening to some Janet and John stories...and it's getting to an exciting bit....So leave me alone.

Cheers - Phil
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 27 May 2020, 12:48:57 PM
Quote from: Techno on 27 May 2020, 12:27:47 PM
So leave me alone.

NO ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 27 May 2020, 02:33:46 PM
Bog off.....

I've got to the really, really exciting bit.....Spot's chasing a ball. :o :o :o :o

Cheers - Phil ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 27 May 2020, 03:40:27 PM
Doesn't that page employ that thrilling metasyntactic repetition, the rhythm of the line mimicking the accelerated heartbeat of the focalising implied canine gaze? How did it go...? Ah, yes, "Run, Spot, run!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 28 May 2020, 03:19:53 PM
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do at night? He lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.

An amnesiac walks into a bar. "Do I come here often?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 28 May 2020, 04:21:37 PM
There IS a dog.....He's a youngster called Seamus...And he's just ripped one of the veins in my arm to b*ggery......He didn't mean it....The oik.

Blood, spurt, murder. X_X

At least I didn't do it to myself....... for once. =) =) =)

Cheers - Phil
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 28 May 2020, 04:26:34 PM
That's not funny Techno.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 28 May 2020, 05:50:12 PM
A and E Now phil.... :'( :'(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 28 May 2020, 06:33:36 PM
No...A lot of kitchen towel..(now red)..and a nice really big plaster seems to have done the trick.....At least my blood clots quickly...Probably 'cos it's had so much practice.

I wouldn't want to go anywhere near ANY hospital at this time. X_X

Cheers - Phil



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 28 May 2020, 06:40:43 PM
Tetanus !!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: O Dinas Powys on 29 May 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Quote from: ianrs54 on 28 May 2020, 06:40:43 PM
Tetanus !!!

Yeah!

Now's the perfect time to go to A&E - I was in and out in less than an hour when I burnt my hand last month - it was virtually empty!

Seriously, don't not go just because of the virus: they'll be keeping the Covid and non-Covid streams totally isolated from each other AND being super careful, constantly deep-cleaning, etc!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ronan on 29 May 2020, 03:10:35 PM
Quote from: O Dinas Powys on 29 May 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Seriously, don't not go just because of the virus: they'll be keeping the Covid and non-Covid streams totally isolated from each other AND being super careful, constantly deep-cleaning, etc!

I agree
I had to go for some medical exams, and it was  OK here in France : they were very cautious. It will be the same for you

And Tetanus is a very, VERY bad thing !  ( a friend of mine saw someone dying because of this.. )
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 29 May 2020, 03:16:10 PM
I'm up to date on Tetanus jabs.  :D :-bd

(Probably practically immune, thanks to the amount of dirt that's got into my bloodstream over the years.)

Cheers - Phil
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 29 May 2020, 03:34:50 PM
It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw  :d
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 03:57:26 PM
I rather like Welsh accents, look you.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 29 May 2020, 04:05:55 PM
Quote from: ianrs54 on 29 May 2020, 03:34:50 PM
It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw  :d

Slight problem - He uses his fingers to talk on here
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 29 May 2020, 04:45:44 PM
I got a big 'ammer  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 05:20:43 PM
Just lend it to him.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: OldenBUA on 29 May 2020, 06:22:05 PM
Quote from: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 05:20:43 PM
Just lend it to him.  ;D

I'm afraid that will just force Leon to introduce a new range of 'flats'.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 01 June 2020, 02:58:31 PM
Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: O Dinas Powys on 01 June 2020, 05:58:49 PM
Quote from: ianrs54 on 01 June 2020, 02:58:31 PM
Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station.  :D

Also from R4 - modified from More or Less - one for the statistically minded amongst us:

When examining a data set you don't just have to consider what it means...



Its modes and medians are also important  :-B
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 01 June 2020, 07:20:06 PM
Well played sir, well played!

I'm putting that in my very small portfolio of quotes about statistics. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 07 June 2020, 01:40:08 PM
An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel and it goes dark. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'

The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'

****

A woman walked into the dentist very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth checked."
"Fine with me," said the dentist, "But I'll have to adjust the chair."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 07 June 2020, 01:56:15 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ronan on 07 June 2020, 02:13:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 07 June 2020, 02:22:10 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Cheers - Phil
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 07 June 2020, 03:00:54 PM
King Auric the Golden not only had a very rich kingdom and an incredibly beautiful daughter but also had a problem with a dragon which plundered parts of the kingdom from time to time.

Realising that he was dying and keen to secure the future of daughter and kingdom both he announced that whomsoever could slay the dragon would be named his heir and marry the princess. What the princess thought of this is not recorded.

Would-be heirs and husbands gathered aplenty and each announced themselves to the crowd before entering the dragons lair ....

An incredibly stylish young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the troubadour Rolande de Provence and I do this for love!" He entered the lair but within moments the dragon had swallowed him in a single bite.

Next an incredibly pious young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the Paladin Manuel of Aragon and I do this for my god!" He entered the lair but in only a few more moments than it had taken with the troubadour the dragon had also swallowed him in a single bite.

Following the paladin an incredibly handsome young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the hero Gottfried of Hamburg and I do this for glory!" He entered the lair but like the others before him the dragon gobbled him up in a single bite.

Next up was a red-haired young man in a kilt,"A'm Gregor MacGregor o' the clan MacGregor an' ahm dain' this cuz ahm skint and need the money" Striding towards the lair, claymore and targe in hand he started to shuck off his shirt. For the next hour or more the sound of battle resounds from the beasts lair, then, all goes quiet. Then. Chop! Chop! Chop!! And the sounds of something heavy being dragged.

Gregor emerges from the cave, dragging the dragon's enormous head behind him, shoogling his shirt back into place.

Amazed, Auric stammers out a "well done" before demanding,"Why on earth didn't the thing swallow you whole like the others?

"Ah!," says canny Gregor,"A had this tattooed oan ma chest."

He pulls his shirt back off once more to reveal the words,"Glasgow Rangers Best Football Team in the World!"

"No even a dragon wid swallae that!!"



Pass me my coat once you've finished chewing it fsn :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 07 June 2020, 03:04:54 PM
Coming from a long line of Celtic fans, I think the story is eminently believable.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno on 07 June 2020, 03:31:49 PM
Gimme strength..... But it made me laugh.  ;D ;D

Cheers - Phil
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 07 June 2020, 05:09:38 PM
Top laugh!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 07 June 2020, 07:55:17 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 08 January 2021, 12:41:05 PM
Filched from Reddit

Q: What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

A: One does not simply walk into Mordor
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 08 January 2021, 02:02:31 PM
 =O =O
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: steve_holmes_11 on 08 January 2021, 08:05:50 PM
If we are going there:

    Two Donald Trump supporters die and go to heaven.

    God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, "Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?"

    God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232."

    After a few seconds of stunned silence one guy turns to the other and whispers, "This goes higher up than we thought."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Westmarcher on 08 January 2021, 09:10:52 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Heedless Horseman on 18 March 2021, 03:50:18 AM
A nurse walks into a bank , totally exhausted, after an 18 hour shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a Rectal Thermometer out of  her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's just great... some asshole's got my pen."


(Pinched from fb )
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 18 March 2021, 10:01:47 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 18 March 2021, 11:13:41 AM
Quote from: Heedless Horseman on 18 March 2021, 03:50:18 AM
A nurse walks into a bank , totally exhausted, after an 18 hour shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a Rectal Thermometer out of  her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's just great... some asshole's got my pen."


(Pinched from fb )

Lest's keep it tasteful  :d :d :d
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno II on 18 March 2021, 11:59:57 AM
That's a very old variation...of a very old joke

I think we should keep Covid 'jokes' as FAR away from the forum as possible
It will be far too painful for a lot of folks.

Phil .
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: steve_holmes_11 on 19 March 2021, 08:15:56 AM
Quote from: Heedless Horseman on 18 March 2021, 03:50:18 AM
A nurse walks into a bank , totally exhausted, after an 18 hour shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a Rectal Thermometer out of  her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's just great... some asshole's got my pen."


(Pinched from fb )

Maaaaa-tron!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 20 March 2021, 04:02:12 PM
Thought I'd posted this a day or three ago but apparently not.

What is the difference between a stoned Highland Cow and a small Japanese poem?


One's a high coo, the other's a haiku :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Big Insect on 20 March 2021, 05:29:17 PM
Supplied by my younger brother (aged physically 59 but in spirit he's still only 6!)

How do you sex an ant?
Throw them in water
If it sinks it is girl ant
If it floats it is boyant

:'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 21 March 2021, 06:42:57 AM
PHIL - ban Mark for that one.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno II on 21 March 2021, 07:28:04 AM
Nah....We'll just ask Nobby to chew Mark's coat. ;)

Cheers - Phil. :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 21 March 2021, 08:38:18 AM
Well he hasn't had a coat to chew for a while !
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno II on 21 March 2021, 10:59:11 AM
That's very true, Ian.......He's probably missing a good few vitamins by now.

Cheers - Phil  ;)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 21 March 2021, 11:17:28 AM
A priest, an imam and a rabbit go to give blood.

The nurse says to the rabbit "What blood group are you."

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 21 March 2021, 11:22:37 AM
Another coat to chew I suspect.....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno II on 21 March 2021, 01:22:01 PM
Gimme strength  X_X.....That's truly deserving of an extra big coat chewing by Nobby.

(Nobby....What's your favourite flavoured sauce ?)

I really can't expect you to keep chewing these coats without your favourite 'condimont'....

Cheers - Phil. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 21 March 2021, 02:44:56 PM
Quote from: Last Hussar on 21 March 2021, 11:17:28 AM
A priest, an imam and a rabbit go to give blood.

The nurse says to the rabbit "What blood group are you."

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O".

Now that's a good one!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 17 November 2021, 06:28:57 PM
How many guitarists does it take to play "Wonderwall"?

All of them, apparently.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 18 November 2021, 06:12:58 AM
Phil lock this thread thet=y are so bad.......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno II on 18 November 2021, 07:28:53 AM
 X_X

Cheers - Phil :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 18 November 2021, 11:06:30 AM
Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business

Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic "dictionary" may help.

Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate." The cows are set free.

Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood.

Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead.

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism):
      You have two cows.
      You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
      The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company.
      The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
      Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally.

Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of sake.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good.

Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf.

Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Techno II on 18 November 2021, 04:55:17 PM
Mike..... :)

You've got FAR too much time on your hands.

Cheers - Phil. :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 19 November 2021, 07:05:25 AM
Quote from: Techno II on 18 November 2021, 04:55:17 PMYou've got FAR too much time on your hands.

Cheers - Phil. :)

So do we if we are reading his stuff  :d  :d
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Steve J on 19 November 2021, 07:17:16 AM
Very good ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: steve_holmes_11 on 19 November 2021, 09:14:24 AM
Italian Corporation sounds a lot like Independent French Cinema.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 05 December 2021, 08:09:36 PM
I think I want to be an Italian cow farmer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 14 January 2022, 04:16:12 PM
If herds of cows are raised by cowherders why aren't flocks of sheep raised by sheepflockers?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: d_Guy on 14 January 2022, 04:54:12 PM
X_X  =O

Actually, your long post was waaaay better than the course I had in Political Economics and more understandable
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 14 January 2022, 06:42:16 PM
I got a bollocking at work once for daring to put a sign on my desk:

If a tidy desk is the sign of a tidy mind,
what does an empty desk signify?

Yes, this was after some numpty in management had been on a course, and had come back and tried to implement a clean-desk policy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 15 January 2022, 09:51:20 AM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 15 January 2022, 02:49:10 PM
The signs where I worked tended to be

"The beatings will continue until morale improves"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 15 January 2022, 03:49:12 PM
I knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward  :d
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Phil2 on 15 January 2022, 04:23:03 PM
I'm still watching you all, to help Sir  :P

But you haven't sussed that.....yet.  :D

The artist formally known as Techno.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 15 January 2022, 06:50:06 PM
QuoteI knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward  :d

It was a company based in and run from England. :P

Also, I've experienced both English and Scottish education and infinitely preferred the latter. What's your qualification for comment? :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 16 January 2022, 07:29:37 AM
Quote from: Phil2 on 15 January 2022, 04:23:03 PMI'm still watching you all, to help Sir  :P

But you haven't sussed that.....yet.  :D

The artist formally known as Techno.



Nice to see you back !
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 26 January 2022, 09:14:42 AM
Filched from Reddit

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

My girlfriend was really upset last week, her dog that she'd had for 12 years died :(
To cheer her up, i bought her an identical one.
She yelled,"You idiot, what am i going to do with two dead dogs?!"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "I can smell fish."

I got offered 8 legs of venison for £40 in the pub last night. Is that 2 dear?

Two elephants fall off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 26 January 2022, 01:01:44 PM
Two fish in a tank, one says:
"How do we drive this thing?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 26 January 2022, 05:55:33 PM
My therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 26 January 2022, 09:34:34 PM
Quote from: Last Hussar on 26 January 2022, 05:55:33 PMMy therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

Well you know what they say, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mmcv on 31 January 2022, 01:38:43 PM
Might have been shared before but I just came across it...

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!"

The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet.

The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a *thousand* Soviet soldiers!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys:

"It's a trap! There are *two* Finnish soldiers!!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 31 January 2022, 02:18:10 PM
:) :) :) :)

The version I know has Edward I leading his army into Scotland when a voice comes out of the mist.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: pierre the shy on 18 February 2022, 02:04:05 AM
A man is walking along the beach on the South Coast of Wellington when he trips over something half buried in the sand at the high water mark. It's a very fancy dark green bottle which he can't see into so he pulls the stopper out and peers inside, then drops it as a white cloud emerges from the bottle and transforms into a fierce looking Genie.

"Thank you for releasing me I have been in there for many millienia" says the Genie greatfully "I will grant you 3 wishes accordingly.....think quickly or I will change my mind!!"

The man looks stunned for a moment, but thinks fast "I want to be very rich"

With a flick of his wrist the Genie dismissively says "It is done". The man pulls out his phone and checks his bank balance - its now well into the millions!

"What next??" the Genie demands

"I always wanted a red Lamborgine Contache"

With a flick of his wrist the Genie dismissively says again "It is done". The man looks up beach and sure enough where his car was parked a red Contache appears!

"What next??" the Genie demands "think carefully - this is your last wish"

"Errr....ummm.....well I've always wanted to be able to drive from the North Island to the South Island....."

"What? Cook Strait is very wide you know, think of how much steel and concrete it would take to construct something that big....even my magic has its limits, can't you think of something else?"

"Well OK. I've always wanted to understand women, you know, how do their minds REALLY work".

The Genie looks at him thoughtfully for a long time then asks "Do you want two lanes or four?"

   
 

 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 18 February 2022, 01:26:07 PM
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

To understand women remember this

"Women may have many faults
But men have only two
Everything they say
And everything they do!" :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: paulr on 18 February 2022, 06:06:52 PM
You forgot the third, everything they don't do ~X(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 28 September 2023, 02:25:29 AM
Why is a Scottish cow off it's face on drugs like a brief oriental poem?

One's a high coo, the other is a haiku
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 29 September 2023, 07:58:10 AM
I had a Racing Snail once.

Removed his shell to improve the aerodynamics.

Now he's become a bit sluggish.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 29 September 2023, 08:21:36 AM
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 29 September 2023, 03:53:00 PM
Quote from: Raider4 on 29 September 2023, 07:58:10 AMI had a Racing Snail once.

Removed his shell to improve the aerodynamics.

Now he's become a bit sluggish.
:-w
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 28 October 2023, 08:33:56 PM
It's that time of the year again:

Clocks.jpg
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 28 October 2023, 08:59:48 PM
Cooker. Switch it off at the mains. Switch it on again at midnight.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 10 November 2023, 07:31:20 PM
Map Age Guide:
(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/map_age_guide.png)

(from xkcd (https://xkcd.com/1688/large/))
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 10 November 2023, 11:10:04 PM
Half of that is factual, the other is hilarious
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 11 November 2023, 10:22:39 AM
Always love a bit of xkcd
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 11 November 2023, 10:06:12 PM

QuoteAlways love a bit of xkcd
Aye. My personal favourite:


(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 15 November 2023, 01:20:37 PM
(https://live.staticflickr.com/1698/25300100205_71d46825fe_h.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/ExFCme)Fellowship 2 (https://flic.kr/p/ExFCme) by Last Hussar (https://www.flickr.com/photos/lasthussar/), on Flickr
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 15 November 2023, 02:24:51 PM
... and who has the magic armour and weapon? The best fighter? No, of course not, it's some peace loving hippie with a penchant for fancy jewellery who thinks he's on a mission to save the world! :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 21 November 2023, 03:55:23 PM
At our Battle of Bosworth reenactment society practice meeting this weekend I was horrified to see the local Big Issue seller wearing the red rose of the House of Lancaster.

Cheeky; everybody knows that beggars can't be Tudors.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 21 November 2023, 05:14:07 PM
 :'(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: d_Guy on 21 November 2023, 05:25:51 PM
Ba-Dum-Bum!  X_X
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 22 November 2023, 02:11:55 AM
Quote from: Lord Speedy of Leighton on 21 November 2023, 03:55:23 PMAt our Battle of Bosworth reenactment society practice meeting this weekend I was horrified to see the local Big Issue seller wearing the red rose of the House of Lancaster.

Cheeky; everybody knows that beggars can't be Tudors.

I suppose you have to be going home now?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Last Hussar on 18 January 2024, 08:33:22 AM
I've got some geese for racing for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FierceKitty on 18 January 2024, 11:34:21 AM
Well, I wanted a greyhound, but when I went to inspect the stock, I signed a contract to have a Peke. Serves me right for neglecting my spelling.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 18 January 2024, 12:46:01 PM
I trust Nobby is hungary for coats...... :'(  :'(  :'(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mollinary on 18 January 2024, 01:35:25 PM

QuoteWell, I wanted a greyhound, but when I went to inspect the stock, I signed a contract to have a Peke. Serves me right for neglecting my spelling.
What a coincidence, I wanted one too! Imagine my frustration when I got it home and found out it was brown!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Roy on 18 January 2024, 01:46:45 PM
Quote from: Lord Speedy of Leighton on 21 November 2023, 03:55:23 PMAt our Battle of Bosworth reenactment society practice meeting this weekend I was horrified to see the local Big Issue seller wearing the red rose of the House of Lancaster.

Cheeky; everybody knows that beggars can't be Tudors.

I thought this was quite good.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 19 January 2024, 08:44:52 AM
Q: What has eight legs and flies?

A: A pair of dead horses!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Roy on 19 January 2024, 12:59:22 PM
Quote from: Ithoriel on 19 January 2024, 08:44:52 AMQ: What has eight legs and flies?

A: A pair of dead horses!

 :)

Reminds me of the name I gave my 28mm Old West town: Dead Mule
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Roy on 19 January 2024, 01:11:23 PM
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.


post number 1,800. only taken me...how many years  :'(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 19 January 2024, 01:49:08 PM
Quotepost number 1,800. only taken me...how many years  :'(

TYPE FASTER  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Roy on 19 January 2024, 03:50:42 PM
QuoteTYPE FASTER  :P

Well... When I was nowt but a lad, t'was a poster on't school room wall that read typing on't keyboard be called fingering.

Always made me wonder did that poster.
Fingering.
I thought that was something else.

[just done a quick google search and its possibly called fingering, too, when playing on a (musical) keyboard.]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: fsn on 19 January 2024, 05:03:26 PM
Quotepost number 1,800. only taken me...how many years  :'(
A wise old man once said to me "the names of fools are writ large and often."



11,470 posts.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Big Insect on 22 January 2024, 03:53:08 PM
I saw this on a card and it made me chuckle:

"He's at that difficult age for a man. To old for a hoody and too young for a cardigan*"

* for those under the age of 40 (if we have any on here) a cardigan is like a hoody, but without the hood, made of wool, and the zip up the front is usually replaced by buttons  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Raider4 on 22 January 2024, 04:43:25 PM
In this place, I suspect it would be more appropriate to explain what a hoody is.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Roy on 22 January 2024, 06:36:53 PM
Quote from: Raider4 on 22 January 2024, 04:43:25 PMIn this place, I suspect it would be more appropriate to explain what a hoody is.

Isn't it someone David Cameron wanted us to all hug? [Blooming 'eck. 2006. Didn't think that speech was that old]

Sorry. LORD Cameron.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Duke Speedy of Leighton on 22 January 2024, 06:57:58 PM
I'm reporting that joke to the moderators, hoodies don't have zips, they're a one piece.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lord Kermit of Birkenhead on 23 January 2024, 09:44:21 AM
Quote from: Lord Speedy of Leighton on 22 January 2024, 06:57:58 PMI'm reporting that joke to the moderators, hoodies don't have zips, they're a one piece.
And all my Cardigans have zips......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Orcs on 23 January 2024, 10:33:26 AM
I am pleased to say I do not have a single cardigan in my wardrobe.

Quote from: Lord Speedy of Leighton on 22 January 2024, 06:57:58 PMI'm reporting that joke to the moderators, hoodies don't have zips, they're a one piece.

I have two hoodies, including one presented by the Dark Lord himself, both come with zips. So I am afraid the moderator is likely to find against you.   :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Big Insect on 23 January 2024, 11:47:12 AM
QuoteAnd all my Cardigans have zips......

I am a dyed-in-the-wool* traditionalist as regards cardigans. So buttons and a nice bit of Fairisle for me ... oooh-err-missus!

* nice to get that old phrase out, dust it down, pick-out the moths, give it a shake & use it again.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ithoriel on 23 January 2024, 01:02:45 PM
Currently wearing a hoodie ... with a zip
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Matt J on 23 January 2024, 02:24:28 PM
Will is right a hoodie with a zip is not a hoodie, it's a jacket.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gwydion on 23 January 2024, 02:46:00 PM
Would we have had a Charge of the Light Brigade at Balaclava if the Earl of Hoodie had been in charge?