The Battle of Tekknow, 516AD

[fsn]

I have been reading a lot of Dark Age histories and thought I would share this account of the battle of Tekknow, 516AD which sums up the joys and frustrations of this period.

"In the 'Great Annals of Cynwulf' held at Hereford Cathedral in Chester, there is for 516AD the following: 'in this year King Og defeated his enemies at Tekknow.' This King Og may have been the same King Og who scratched his nose in front of Bishop Wupsie, or possibly his son, or grandfather.  Indeed, the term used in the Great Annals 'Biggus Dickus' has a more subtle meaning, more akin to 'strong armed one' or 'wielder of a mighty weapon' and in that case this Og may have been a second cousin to the nasal irritant Og, known in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles as Aeldphart.

The writers of the Great Annals of Cynwulf (pronounced 'Der-rek') were notoriously lax about their dating, so the Battle of Tekknow could have been any time between 482AD and 592AD, when  there was no known Og alive. However, we are sure that the battle took place on a Tuesday, starting promptly at 2:30pm and lasting probably 3 - 7 hours.

The location of Tekknow is also in doubt. All Dark Age battles were fought either at a ford or on a hill, and that leaves many possibilities. There is a engineering company of that name in Lithuania, but recent research suggests locations closer to Leamington Spa. Obviously, name analysis suggests that Tekknow could well be Telford, or Tetbury in Gloucester. Professor Bryn Hughes of the University of Bangor in Swansea suggested that he knew a chap called 'Techno', so obviously Tekknow like all Dark Age history, happened in Wales.  Conversely, Doctor Professor Dougal McDougal of the University of Stirling in Glasgow is quite certain that 'Tekknow' is a contraction of 'Tekknowprsners' which puts the battle near Hampden Park.

More recently Professor Leon of the University of Middlesborough in Sunderland pointed out that the name 'Tekknow'  could be from the old Jurdie 'Tekk-n-kno'. The 'kno' being an old form of 'not', 'isn't' or 'ain't', and the 'Tekk' being a mutation of 'Dekk' or 'favoured' - which gives 'ain't - n - Dekk'. This, reasons Professor Leon, proves that the Battle of Tekknow was definitely in North East England.

The number and nature of forces involved are somewhat uncertain. Professor Letshava Drinkie of the University of Copenhagen in Oslo demonstrated in 1972 that 1056 students could comfortably fit on an, admittedly newer hull. In fact the hull used was the Isle of Wight Ferry and there is some confusion as to whether the term 'tri-huls' meant three ships, a trimaran, or a catamaran and an single hulled vessel.  Since there is no mention of hulls in relation to Tekkno, the discussion is moot.

Og's contemporaries definitely used shields and spears and it is reasonable to assume that Og's troops did the same. However, armour may have been scarce except in Og's personal guard who may have worn mail shirts or pseudo-Roman armour or no armour at all, topped with a helmet of some description, a hat or bareheaded. What is certain is that all the troops involved wore clothes, except those that may not have.  

The approach to the battle may have been down a Roman road or possibly down a track. Either way there was probably a shield wall and some shouting. Then King Og won, but we don't really know who he was fighting.

'Professor' Mary Moustache of the University of Cambridge in Oxford has written that 'tekknow' is a Jutish board game somewhat akin to snakes and ladders, but she's a woman, so this is unlikely."  
 
 

[Techno]

 

Well.....I didn't know that.....I learn something new here every day.
This is Techno, site of the real battle of Tekknow, somewhere in Pembrokeshire. (Near hills, fords, ancient forts and those funny wossnames called cromlechs....There's a collapsed one in one of the fields over the road, but Mrs T says I'm not allowed to go digging under it for golden torcs because it'll probably fall on top of me....As if !)

Excellent one, fsn........Now where's your bottle of pills ?
Cheers - Phil

[Steve J]

Very good  . Now go and take your medication

[nikharwood]

Superbly done...I'll have a pint of what you're drinking please 

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

WoW!

Just make mine a half please...

[nikharwood]

Lightweight 

Who are you? And what have you done with mad lemmey?! 

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Its the anti-depressants...

[Tommy Atkins]

 

Brilliant parody. Superbly done.

[Roy]

 

[Hertsblue]

Wonderful exposé of scholastic revisionism in contemporary accademia (or possibly just a glorious piss-take) 

[Leman]

Should be televised and put on the History Channel, with endless reminders before and after each ad break for the benefit of those with the concentration span of a gnat.

[Techno]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
That's my impersonation of a gnat.
Cheers - Phil

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Mine goes neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

But you know, different regional accents...

[fsn]

You have a pet gnat?

[Hertsblue]

Can I recommend Rentokill or similar, gentlemen?